A-Z Mass Effect: Andromeda
by Megan Hahn
Summary: An A-Z poem about Mass Effect: Andromeda. !Spoilers! This does contain spoilers, read at your own risk.


**Archon-** that one dick who really is just a huge dick, first he wants to destroy the universe, then he wants to just indoct-oh, I mean exalt all the races, and then he takes my brother and my SAM, he's just an all around dick and I'm glad I got to kick his ass, all Commander Shepard style

 **(Bonus A)rchitect-** those giant douchebags that are unfair and I don't like them, let me give you a little storytime, let's go back to two days after ME:A came out, I was playing, working on Elaaden, doing missions and whatnot, when I come across this one little mission, following the path down this snow ravine, I quickly find myself in front of my first Architect, where Jaal said 'they really aren't that bad' playing on hardcore, yes, they are hard and can kill you easily, but as long as you keep moving, you make progress, fucking slow progress, but progress nonetheless, I finally destroy the first conduit and he moves, but shortly after that, I get stuck under some stairs, nearly a half hour of fighting, to be defeated by a fucking staircase, that's ME for ya

 **Biotics-** that one thing that I refuse to use in my ME playthroughs, I am a infiltrator through and through, we don't have biotics and I don't give a shit if I have the choice to use them, I don't wanna

 **Cora-** that one lady who is kinda like the Mirinda of our team, except she never shuts up about asaris and how she was in a commando with them, instead of talking about how perfect she is and how horrible that is

 **Drack-** that one Krogan who is the best thing in the whole damn game, right behind Reyes, I don't know about you, but I love the shit out of all my Krogans and Drack, I love him way more than I should, I never romance aliens, but let's be honest, if they let me romance him, I would've

 **Eos-** that other place that I fought an Architect, but that one was like ten million times easier, the planet also kinda looks like Moab and that makes me happy

 **Gil-** that one gay guy who is kinda like my less awesome Dorian...who also goes and has a baby if you don't romance him...traitor, you were supposed to be my gay best friend forever, babyless and mustached and sexy as hell

 **Habitat 7-** that one planet where my dad died, I mean, who's really surprised though, Bioware obviously hates families and people being happy, but they do love geese and their babies...that was somewhat relevant...

 **Insanity-** that one difficulty that I'm not sure I'm ready for, ugh, so much work, so much dying, so much hate for myself

 **Jaal-** that one alien who I didn't think I would actually like, but love, Jaal is my best alien friend who isn't from the Milky Way, also, I totally thought he was a chick before the game was released because he was purple...sexist

 **Kett-** that one race whose entire existence is bullshit, not because of what they are, but because of Bioware, we already had the whole thing of the Collectors being Protheans, so tell me why we had to have the Kett just be Angaras(Angarians?(my computer wants to make that into Hungarians and that just makes it even better)), could we not come up with any better idea, like what the fuck

 **Liam-** that one guy who I slept with once, went on like two dates with and then never really did anything more, I'm sorry Bioware, but what the fuck happened with that, can I just tell you how much I love the relationships in Bioware games, even the friendships in ME:A were good, but the romantic ones, at least with Liam...why are they so...boring

 **Meridian-** that one place which seems like a pretty chill place to live, you know, if you don't mind everything trying to murder you and the fact that there is now a Kett ship crashed into it and no one but pissed off robots live there, actually, thinking about it, maybe it wouldn't be a great place to live

 **Nomad-** that one thing that is like a better, but also kinda less cool version of the Mako, I mean, yeah, it drives better, but...it doesn't have guns...

 **Omni Tool-** that thing that looks really weird and I don't know why they changed it, this is a message to Bioware, if something is good, something is tried and true, don't change it

 **Quarian-** that race that Andromeda is(but hopefully soon won't be) missing, I don't care if they are sensitive and shit, they are the second best race, right after Krogans

Remnants-that one race of robot dicks who also make shitty puzzles, if I was going to try to protect something super powerful and important, I would totally protect it with Sudoku

 **Bonus R(eyes)-** that one dude who is the love of my life, yes, he's a liar and a bad dude, but I don't give a shit, he's charming and makes jokes and that's all I need in a man...I have low standards...and terrible taste in men

 **Suvi-** that one lady who I love, I mean, she's no Joker, but like, I like her and shit

 **Tempest-** that one sexy ass ship which I love...other than the fact that sometimes the doors decide that they don't want to open so you have to go down ladders and walk around it...rude

 **Vetra-** that one Turian who is my replacement Garrus, the one who I'll never romance, but who is my best friend, plus her sister is awesome and I love her

* * *

 **Since we're here, I want to give my two cents on Mass Effect: Andromeda, keep in mind this is my opinion and everyone has their own. I like ME:A. Is it the best game out there? No. But is it a good game and does it have a lot of potential? Yes. I think that Andromeda is a good start to a new series and that's exactly what it felt like. There are so many loose ends, that is won't feel right until the series is completed, until all the loose ends have been explained. I didn't play the ME games when they came out, I played the series shortly after ME 3 came out, so I never played the games without the following game after it, but I reckon that if I had played ME1 when it came out, before 2 came out, it would also feel like things were missing. Hell, they didn't really go into the Reapers until the third story, so I feel that Andromeda is also doing this. They setting the environment up for you, getting some grounds set. As much as I do like the game, there are issues with it, no doubt. My biggest one probably being the new powers. I've played all the games on PC, so I never had issues with using the hotkeys or the hot...menu thing that comes up. I could easily open that up, pausing the game, do what I wanted and exit. I liked it. It worked well, but they got rid of it and now only give you three powers at a time. If you want to switch to a different favorite, you have to let it cool down. I don't know about you, but when I want to change favorites, is when I need them at the moment, not once they've cooled down. I hate this mechanic, because even though I played on hardcore, it ended up forcing me to never changed favorites. Another huge issue I have with the game is the fact that I can't use my companion's abilities. As someone who played the other games on insanity, using the companions abilities wisely was imperative. If you were fighting a mech, you'd have Tali and yourself overload their shields and then have you and Garrus use concussive shot and then finish off what little health he has. It was a dance, something that you have to plan out and if you did it right, it was beautiful. Sure, I'll give them credit, the AI for the companions is good, but I don't care, I want to be able to control them. It's not fair and not a good thing to take out of the game. Do you all remember before they released the game when they were talking about the new romances and how it was going to be organic? What they meant there is that if you romance Liam, you sleep with him once, have like three flying parts and then nothing more. I love Bioware games for their characters, for their romances, I have never been more disappointed in one of the games when it comes to that. I didn't even get to romance Kaidan in the second game and it was better than the romance with Liam, the highlight was the part with him at the end, but still not good enough for me.**

 **But let's not talk about only negative things. There are positives. I love the exploring, the new planets, though I wish there were small non mission ones like in ME1. I love the tone in this game, where everything is sarcastic and funny, like DA2 was. The characters are all great and I don't hate anyone of my crewmates. The new combat is really fun and having a jump pack is a nice change from not even being able to jump. I love the Nomad, it drives well and the fact that I can get a button to turn off traction control makes me happy. All the planets are beautiful and different and exciting. Don't get me wrong, it's a good game and it has shitloads of potential, but Bioware needs to fix somethings.**

 **In any case, thanks for reading, I appreciate more than I can say. If you have any comments, questions, concerns, ideas, criticisms, or suggestions please feel free to comment or PM me. Have a wonderful day! (You can tell how lazy I am because I just reuse this…I also never reread what I've written until like three or four years later.)**


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